When it's time to be patient.

Do storm clouds hover over all the time? If so, how do I feel the sun so often? In the words of Arcadian Wild, "I'm being followed by the rain clouds", and yet I know the Lord's mercy and grace and kindness in my life so well, they should not scare me. In days of sun, I should not worry about them, for days of sun last longer than we realize. In days of rain, we take in sorrow and grief and mourning like ointment on our skin. Believe it or not, this pain is reviving.

Sometimes, really hard stuff happens, and it requires patience. It requires patience for an answer, sometimes that patience expands a lifetime. Sometimes, the Lord's kindness is seen in clarity, sometimes it is as elusive as the sun in the middle of the night. But as many say, it is always daylight somewhere - and sometimes that daylight is experienced with cloud-cover.

There are times when we cry for no reason, there are time when we cry never seeing the end. Occasionally, we accept the fact that at the end of our mourning is a period of joy and dancing unseen now. My goodness, these are truths I must hold to in all pain.

Little did I know that remembering my home is not of this earth did not only ease the pain of a troubled Third-culture kid: it also comforted me in times of deep emotional struggle. It reminded me that being made beautiful this year, and for years to come requires some hardship. And that hardship is accompanied with incredible joy.

When the clouds roll in.

When hardship has come up in my life, it is hard to make scripture my go to. Prayer is sometimes forsaken. Although, as a girl who often finds it easier to read her Bible than pray, I certainly flip things around more in hard times. I've found myself praying increasingly in periods of struggle. I have often cried out to the Lord and imagined Him helping me in hard conversations. Have you ever had an imaginary conversation with someone and wished you had the clarity and cohesion you did in that moment when having the actual conversation? Sometimes I pray that that might be so.

But in moments when I don't have healing words, I remember God always does. The go to for most Christians is the Psalms. For me, more recently, it has been Psalm 40:

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:1-3)

The Lord is always good, and always deserving of my praises. Made for His glory, I was reminded in a Sunday past that he supplies all the needs to be His servant. His allowance of suffering is provision for my good. I can be His "good and faithful servant" because He brings about all things so that I might be sanctified and made new in Christ.

While in a period of hardship I don't always feel His deliverance, I wonder if we will ever always see deliverance in this lifetime. That's where patience comes in, because we can have peace that God will renew and restore all pain in the new creation, in our resurrected states. When God "set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure", I think we forget the spiritual security we have been secured. Trials in this life are nothing compared to the misery of sin and death we were cursed into.

While in a period of hardship, I don't always feel like singing God's praises, I wonder if I was ever meant to feel completely compelled. In a period of hardship, it is even harder to choose joy and love and the exultation of the Lord. But God never placed conditions on when we worship Him. He did not tell me I have a right to mope, and, especially in hardship, I need to choose to worship the Lord.

And while in a period of hardship, I feel that when God "put a new song in my mouth" I must hold it back, I wonder how great a witness I could be to those around me. How many could "see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord"? How many people would recognize my pain and notice my resilience and realize, that is all the Lord? Do I dare hold back my praises of a God who is always praiseworthy, when I simply feel empty? No, the Psalm promises that God "put a new song" in his mouth, meaning God is the one that gives us energy to praise Him in everything.

Where's the sun?

And yet, so many reading this are suffering with horrors unimaginable. Some have lost loved ones, some are persecuted, some are homeless, some are alone. My word, if the sun could be felt, you pray for it every day. And please forgive me when I tell you this hard truth: you have felt the sun innumerable times and now you must choose to see it. Verse 5 of Psalm 40 says this:

"You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told." (Psalm 40:5)

Some may remember my post "Contented". Re-reading a little bit of it, I audibly laughed when I acknowledged that my period of lavish joy may precede some intense hardship. Well, I've reached a period of sanctification and I must realize this: that God has had "wondrous deeds and...thoughts toward us" for which I must praise Him.

I recently read that a mature Christian will reiterate Job's words in chapter 1:

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)

And I praise God in this trial and pain that He has allowed me to praise Him even still. I praise God that I am able to go to church and sing His praises, to cry in pain and to feel the joy of peace and hope in Eternity's future, in the arms of my Father whom I will adore forever. The sun shone bright, it's a little cloudy now, blessed be God's great and glorious name!

But will the clouds roll back?

I will not deny, yet again, that pain is a double-edged sword: it holds truth close, and uncertainty, insecurity, doubts and fears even closer. One side of the edge is sharper that the other, if we allow it to be. I think I can assume you know which edge I mean. So, I have constantly asked the Lord "Will the clouds roll back? Will I see your plan more clearly? Will an answer that I want to hear be spelled out? Will I respond well to what I do not like?"

And I spend so much brain energy trying to figure out God, to figure out people, to resolve uncertainty. So much energy I could just use to do exactly what David does in Psalm 40:

"I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O Lord. I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation." (Psalm 40:9-10)

David does not keep himself from speaking of God's faithfulness in times past. He will not conceal the sunshine. You see, we have no right to produce the clouds. We have no right to hide what God has done in our lives. Our testimonies are active in this world, and they demonstrate the goodness of God, characteristically displayed in Scripture.

The clouds roll in, but are we simply pretending they are all that exist? We know that sunshine is on the other side. And if, with gratitude, accepted that there have been numerous days of sun, perhaps these clouds would not haunt us so much. Eventually, these too shall pass and we will witness absolute splendor again. But like a double-edged sword, we can either let this ointment, this rain of pain, seep in through our skin and heal with truth, or we can be damaged by fear. We can acknowledge the truth of God's faithfulness in time past and with faith acknowledge that God is faithful, even in cloudy, or stormy or destructive weather.

The truth is, we need patience. Just as God is patient with us for our sin, perhaps we need to be patient with God in his incomprehensibility. God is so great that we do not understand Him, that is why we need to learn patience. It makes me laugh that God needs patience with me because I am so pithy, ignorant and foolish. I have a great God to model in patience.

Yeah, but will the clouds roll back?

Haven't we asked that question more times that once and wanted a greater answer. Luckily for you, I have one, one I must remind myself of as well. Jesus' return will be the greatest rolling of clouds you have ever seen. Every pain you have experienced in this life will diminish in the presence of your Savior. Pain will no longer exist, so it will not pierce. Sunshine will remain, so you don't need to fear the rain of clouds.

A favorite, famous hymn by Horatio Spafford - "It is Well" - pleads with these hopeful lyrics:

"And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight/ The clouds be rolled back as a scroll/ The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend/ Even so, it is well with my soul"

It is well with our soul, because one day Jesus will return with the clouds, but there introduces a day with pain, or suffering or trial. There all longsuffering turns to joy, all hope turns to fruition, all patience turns to peace. Clouds will become sunshine with immediacy, and we will see perfection, glory and righteousness be ushered into the lives that one suffered desperation.

Right now, you and I have learned it is time to be patient. But in that moment, we will learn we will have time of never-ending peace.

Sunshine, oh faithfulness of God, be the balm of my soul until that peace finds its full culmination in the coming of Christ my judge.