Do you hear Him in the chaos?

I wish I heard Him in the whisper. Sometimes I go for an hour and a half walk in the woods on my college campus. I wish I naturally heard him then. Honestly, I don't want him to audibly speak to me. I don't need some revelation. But I wish I was good at conversing with my God in the peace and silence, or the crunching of fall leaves, or the hop of the squirrel, or the slight drizzle of rain that drops hard upon my oversized shirt. I wish for conversations in the quiet.

Because honestly, life has just been a little too noisy.

So many people look at me and probably why I don't just have "OVERCOMMITTED" tattooed on my face. Funny that, because for most of them, I would plaster the same thing on their entire body. Sometimes I feel like others just hide busyness really well. Wish I knew their secret. Perhaps its a matter of just not talking about how stressed, or tired, or overwhelmed you are.

But the ease of chaos, isn't it all too easy?

It's culture's drug. The hidden glory of being too busy to think. It sucks you in like a black hole. We blame depression on not talking about it more, we blame anxiety on not sharing our issues, we blame every mental health problem on not being open about our struggle. But isn't it all just a positive feedback look? Share your struggle, feed your desire to forget with busyness, struggle even more.

More so than the chaos is the inability to converse. I could hardly name all of the friends I have made over the past year. But my depth of conversation diminishes with every addition. It becomes a time of sharing struggles rather than sharing them with the One who understands and who yearns for our attention. It becomes a me-focused, surface level conversation that seems incredibly deep but never is fulfilling. And I think subconsciously I know that ultimate fulfillment will only ever come in reflecting on Him. Why is my conversation not dwelling on Him?

More than that, why is my conversation not with him? "I'll pray for you" easily becomes some of the biggest well-meaning falsehoods that escape our lips. We place their security in the arms of our God whom we do not offer these burdens to and so fall prey to our own lies.

I do often wonder why so many people are struggling, clouded by fatigue, weighed down. Indeed, it may be a lack of prayer. As my grandmother would point out, it is likely a loss of Bible reading and meditation. Needless to say, I also think we push these things away in the chaos of our lives.

"Oof, that was a hard week..."

Let's just say, a couple weeks ago I had one of the hardest weeks at CIU. That's saying a lot, because between having hard things happen to me, as well as great bouts of homesickness, I have faced some hardships. But it's been a while since I've had such a lesson what criticizes the very core of who I am, especially as a redeemed sinner. I should just say, I am a people-pleaser.

Most people at this point will pull out verses like "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23). They might ask me whether I am "seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). Or Isaiah 2:22 which says "stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?".

Unfortunately, when someone like me struggles with people-pleasing, the problem is much deeper and more problematic than that. Usually, its something one has struggled with for a while - and perhaps not even properly repented of. I remember the worst dream I can recall was of my friends and I hanging out and when they started teasing another friend of mine. I got mad and yelled at them. Those friends were upset at me and ended up deserting me. I woke up sweating after that dream, I was so scared. And thus, my fears of not pleasing people were most overt.

Throughout school, I hated displeasing my teachers and my parents. I was the epitome of a goody-two-shoes. But there is rarely any peace, rarely any rest for someone who seeks to please the people around her. I push myself to appease those around me, sometimes, to the detriment of my relationship with the Lord.

Life is kind of chaotic right now - and I can say it is the best and worst thing for me.

It is the best, for the aspect that I am doing what I love and I love being busy. But the worst part is - with "OVERCOMMITTED" tattooed on my forehead - I can upset people easily when I can't give my all, even when it feels I am giving everything I have got within me. I have told myself so many times "I am a student first" and even though I have always maintained this duty with great commitment, I sometimes feel I have lost sight of why I am at college.

I think that awful week was a reminder that I can only ever seek to glorify the Lord in what I do, and love people as best I can. Right now, I have many commitments. The question is whether I try to do everything to glorify the Lord and not place man's opinion over God's.

Peace, you give me peace...

I wonder if you hear Him in the chaos? Frankly, all around me I hear the chaos of perceived opinions of people, or the irrational fear that they may begin to hate me def floating in my head. I don't hear,

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

or

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:21)

or

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." (Zephaniah 3:17).

These things do not fill my mind. I am not abiding in his word, in his presence. I can truly be a mess and a hypocrite. Perhaps, people see the side that truly loves the Lord, shown in my service or my desire to help. I wish they could see the side of me that is at peace. To be honest, it is that peace I wish I had more of.

Maybe it's this peace which helps people hide their busyness really well?

It is a huge part of my testimony, this whole idea of the Lord establishing peace in my life. It's perhaps the biggest fruit of the Spirit that needs to grow in me. I am an anxious person, and I do not hear the Lord in the chaos. I hear him most clear in the moments when I am in His word; when I am blessed by him in numerous ways and I give glory to him in that; when I am serving other people and listening to them and their needs and truly deeply offering them godly counsel.

And in the moments where I suffer trials (minor to those suffered by the persecuted church), I hear Him when I lean on him to provide me security and strength.

There is a song that I learned from an album of kids worship songs called "To Be Like Jesus" called "Peace". When it was first sung at a concert my school put on on the fruits of the Spirit, I started to cry. Not only were the lower elementary kids who were singing the song so adorable, but the song itself is beautiful. The chorus says this,

"Peace, You give me peace, when the storms come and I’m afraid. Peace, You give me peace, when I trust in the words You say. You give me peace"

Furthermore, the first verse says this,

"If You can calm the sea, then You can comfort me. If winds obey Your voice, why should I fear their noise? And though my eyes can’t see, I know You’re with me"

It is these lines which make me want to go back to my simple childhood when trusting in Jesus just seemed so much easier. Yet we want to mature, we want to grow up. But we want to continue knowing that if Jesus can calm the sea, then he is able to comfort us. We want to know that in the midst of our chaos, God is with us.

In conclusion...

And so I ask for the third time, do you hear Him in the chaos?

Because the truth is, he is always there to provide us with peace and assurance. We may be so busy, because we are trying to please a bunch of people, or we want to be liked, or we count man's opinion as more significant than God's. We may be so busy because life circumstances have been stressful and we have to trust that the Lord will bring us through. Whatever is creating chaos, we should choose to rely on the Spirit to give us peace.

And in the midst of the crazy, listen to the Lord, abide in his word. Converse with Him on daily basis. As I reminded you guys in the previous post, "draw near to God and he will draw near to you".

I probably could alleviate some of the crazy, and so could you. I am not saying to remain in the busy. But with the cliché most Christians love, this might be your season of life. But you should never use that as an excuse to ignore the Father.

In the chaos, His voice is the very one you need to find order. In the chaos, His voice is peace.