Right Where He Wants Me

The Lord has me...

I think "out-of-control" could label this Summer. Actually, make that Life.

You know, that feeling when everything crumbles and yet works and it all seems to happen with barely a touch of your hand? That phenomenon where you believe you could even have had a part to play in both the chaos and the order, and step back and see it all happening.

Well, it feels that way at least. I can attest to the fact that my hard heart and lousy attitude and instinctive (but not inspired) actions attribute to much of this chaos. But this self-imposed misery, misled depression and foolish anxiety that prompts a lack of wisdom cannot even be said to control the chaos. It causes it. And once I step back, might I then see the mouth of him who controls the winds and the waves? Might I then fall back into the arms of Him who can both carry me and the burden of the struggle which I cause?

Could I, for one minute, accept that God has me right where he wants me? Out of control.

More like "out of MY control". More like "found in the arms of God". More like "right where HE planned". This is the story of my life.

And it sounds hopeless, to those who know not who he is. It sounds illogical, to those who refuse to find pure rest and peace in the sovereignty of a Savior who gave himself up for me. Indeed, I am counted as foolish in this world, because who could believe that chaos and order could both be controlled by a good God? Is God even good to allow both to exist?

Such are the questions of a world, who push back against the locations "Right-Where-HE-Wants-Me" and "Out-Of-MY-Control". But these questions cannot be my own.

This I know...

So why this response? In short, it's this Summer - but I don't think your reading this for the short response.

It's been an emotional time to say the least. I have a boyfriend now, which I do praise the Lord for. There is something about being loved and cared for by someone else in that sense that truly reminds you that the Lord loves you and cares for you beyond anyone or anything in your life. It's different to experience that kind of care in a romantic sense, reminding me that God's love for me is much different to anything I might experience here on Earth. I think romantic relationships can be sort of life that, and good symbols of the love Christ shows his church.

But relationships take time, and they take emotional energy. And I don't think that is a bad thing. It s a learning process. And since both he and I are striving towards the Lord, first and foremost, it is a learning process that takes time, energy, and a whole lot of prayer.

As well as emotional energy dedicated here, I have been working hard at work. It's not be a particularly restful summer in that department. I give a lot of time and energy to serving the Lord there, and often times, it feels I do not come in with a good attitude, ungrateful for the job, wanting to just be sluggish and lazy, forgetting I have tasks the Lord has given me this Summer, even if it seems purposeless.

In fact, I think the greatest problem for the young Christian generation nowadays is that we look for some sort of spiritual purpose in everything we do (or, at least, a greater one) and forget that our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

I give tours for my school, and when it comes to the point where I talk about one of our core values "World Evangelization" I remind them that glorifying God in sharing the gospel does not have to be done in church ministry or mission work. It can be in any task we have. Millennials look for a higher calling, labelling what might be laziness as "seeking a purpose". I have too often thought about neglecting my job now because I find it monotonous. But character can be built amid the monotony.

Perhaps one of the hardest lessons is trusting in the Lord when I may not see home for a while. Trusting the Lord, though I may not see my first niece/nephew in January back in Australia. Trusting the Lord that he will perpetuate and establish relationships from back home that I truly want to maintain. Trusting the Lord that he will care for the people I cannot protect, knowing I never had control or sovereignty over them.

Honestly, trusting that the Lord has me right where he wants me is hard when I feel differently to the reality I see before me.

But if ever there was a time to believe God has me where he wants me, it's this one. Because right now, the Lord is testing me. He asks, "will you trust I am working in you, to grow you, to make you more like my Son?". And yet, the other day - after just chatting with my friend previously about not knowing whether I would be granted financial aid for the incoming semester - I find out the very next day that the documents I needed to grant me financial aid have been waived and I was finally granted the money I needed for college. God provided when I thought I would have to stress. It was in that moment I knew the Lord had me right where he wanted me. The Lord has done that so much in my life, I just haven't noticed it as much as I should.

For the Bible tells me so...

You know something cool? Psalm 23 is perhaps one of the greatest examples of the Lord leading us, blessing us, protecting us and guiding us:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23)

Honestly, the Lord is the one who "makes me", "leads me", is "with me", "comfort[s] me", "anoint[s]" me. The Lord is the one who has planned that I might find peace in the now. And even while I don't right now, he will bring it to pass.

I was able to share my testimony for Bible Study the other night and was called to relate it to one of the fruits of the Spirit, of which I chose peace. For those who know me, or have read prior blog posts, there have been uncanny moments where the Lord has brought incredibly peace into every situation of my life. One of the reasons I have such peace is because his Spirit is inside me, changing me.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus tells his disciples that he will leave them with the gift of the Holy Spirit - they will not be alone:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. (John 14:27)

It is funny because in this past week, I have not felt the peace of the Lord. And I know that is not on him, that is on me. But in the midst of emotional distress, I realize I was not fearing the Lord. I was not trusting him that I was right where he wants me. I was allowing disappointment, or bitterness, or resentment, or discontent to cloud my perception of reality. And I begged the Holy Spirit to give me peace, and yet I was impatient for this peace.

So indeed, the Lord has been teaching me patience.

But, just as I learned my first semester at CIU, I do not yearn to study abroad for a semester (at least as of right now) because I am content in the Lord's grace of bringing me here, somewhere I have longed to be for all my life. It's just that now I am to grow contentment in being here longer than anticipated, though my best friend gets married, though my brother and sister-in-law are expecting.

No, I must have peace and patience in where God has placed me. And I know if I simply trust the Lord, he will grow that in me. My hope is greater than this place, these emotions, this pain. The gift of the Holy Spirit is peace enough from God, and yet he gives me rest in his Son. He grants me eternal rest with Himself.

So as well as being right where he wants me now, I will be exactly where he wants me then. Right now, it is good. And when I dwell alongside him in a place of eternal rest, it will be VERY good.

And I think my creator will say so too.