Restless to climb

There's a very famous musical with a song called "Breathe". Amid the struggles and stresses of her life, the female contemplates the simple moment that she could take to breathe. One part of the song goes like this:

"They are all counting on me to succeed. I am the one who made it out, the one who always made the grade, but maybe I should've just stayed home. When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place, on every fire escape, restless to climb."

And those words "restless to climb" just stick in my mind and they haunt me in ways I can hardly express. It's that nagging feeling that we have to keep going, that we have no where else to go but up, that life is chasing us up that fire escape and we're either trying to keep up with it, or too scared for life to take a hold of us.

Because life is not always as stressful as we often make it.

And I have to tell myself this fact consistently, because right now, life is taking its toll on me, and I am the one who is making it more stressful than it needs to be. Perhaps you are feeling exactly the same way. Or perhaps you would ask me this question:

"What's so bad about busy?"

And while I would love to defend my honor and show you proof that I am busy in order to serve others or to serve God more, I cannot. Honestly, this semester, in the extremity of my busyness, I have had to really assess where my heart is at. My busyness has really served many different purposes.

So a disclaimer...

What I would really love to do is to assess these various reasons for why I do what I do, not as a tool to be further introspective but to call on God to change me. It is not to act as a confession (for that is for God alone) but to provide resonance, for I am sure I am not the only one struggling. Neither is it an exhaustive list, for a complex human being is intrisically intricate to everyone, including themselves. I know that the Lord alone knows my thoughts and intentions. I only know that, without him, everything from my heart and head and hands is inherently evil. I ask him to change me, and I ask this to be a tool for you to assess why you continue to push and push yourself when God calls you to rest in him alone, not your achievements.

Without further ado, here are some of my guesses...

#1: Busyness is a device I which I can disconnect from feelings (of homesickness)

And for those who have packed up and moved overseas, or packed up and moved at all, this feeling likely resonates with you. But maybe not the coping mechanism. You see, busyness is pretty distracting. In spite of how much you appear to engage every minute of your time in the routine of life, you actually disengage from some important emotions and thoughts. Rest time is important for the mind, processing is necessary if we are ever to engage.

I would say that in the same way we might study for a class, we must also study and assess the times God has blessed us with. Once again, not as a mechanism in which to become more introspective, but as a method of connecting with the life God has given us. Do I have those opportunities to show gratefulness to God for everything in my day? Have I given him the glory for allowing me to complete this task? Have I asked him to sustain me with energy? Am I inviting him into every facet of my fast-paced life?

Could I slow it down at all, just so that I might do these important things?

But homesickness has been one of the greatest struggles. Maybe I'm trying to prove something to people back home. Maybe I'm trying to show them I am doing something with my life. But maybe I'm trying to distract myself from feeling sad about leaving them. Because crying about it seems to me a waste of time, but if I just distracted myself, I would both get a lot more done, and not have to feel at all.

Emotional detachment is just easier and more efficient.

Sometimes in life, we do just need to move on, and do what God has called us to do. And I know this loss and period of mourning should be turned on its back with gratefulness and thankfulness. However, another thing I do know is that busyness should never be a coping mechanism. For where is the healing rest that might accompany my sadness?

#2 Busyness is a device in which I can retain my natural role as a people pleaser

I often think I am self-sufficient, and I would argue that you think the exact same. There is a part of me that thinks I can sustain four or five hours of sleep a night; or can rush from one thing to the next, where a fifteen minute rushing period is the rest I needed after work before choir; or that my Bible reading can be done in 15 minutes. I feel I am sufficient checking off the next activity on the list. I feel I am happy to do so. But I am not truly happy.

But busyness is also a disguise. How can I make it appear to others that my busyness is actually productive, efficient, morally excusable, beneficial, necessary etcetera? Many people compliment me on my work ethic or my focus. In many ways, I do get strokes from comments like these. It makes me feel I am apart of something greater than myself. And because I value achievement, it is recognition for those various things. I seem to please people in this way.

I even think that I am pleasing people when I do what they want me to do. Many people want me to contribute to different clubs and activities at college, and I struggle to say no. I don't want to be rejected or forgotten or disliked. I don't want people to be disappointed in me. It's fear of mine. It was a bad dream of mine once that I said something to friends that caused them to reject me - it was the worst nightmare I have ever had. I would never want that in reality. So I seem to please people by doing what they ask of me.

However, some of the same people have felt they cannot talk to me, believing I am too busy to fit them in. I struggle to fit in relationships. I am an extravert in many ways, but I often want to fit them into my calendar. I do not think this is a bad system, the problem arises when there are relationships that need care at that time, and I have made plans or I have things I feel I need to do. The question is when do I need to prioritize important things like school work and important things like relationships?

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:22b that he has "become all things to all people, that by all means [he] might save some." Along the same lives, he says that he tries "to please everyone in everything [he does], not seeking [his] own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved" (1 Corinthians 10:33). The reason for why Paul sought to please other people was not so that others may like him, but that others might be saved.

I have started asking myself, why do I seek to please other people? I think the first step is acknowledging you are one (as it is with any other addiction), and then determining to question the decisions you make. And it is never going to be easy, because assessment never is, and it is never nice to realize the hard truth about yourself.

But when a life is to be lived to the glory of God it's not meant to be easy or comfortable, it should be a struggle.

And when a life is not meant to be lived to please others, you will experience some pain and some rejection.

But if I am not willing to please people for the sake of the gospel, I should not endeavor to please them at all. If I am not willing to love mankind, I do not deserve the love of God which he graciously showed me.

#3 Busyness is a mechanism to protect myself from disappointment

As soon as I allow people into my life, I am bound to get hurt. You will often get hurt by the people closest to you. So if you can determine to get to know everyone on a surface level so you might protect yourself. Relationships are messy and hard sometimes and though inherently rewarding, I think my mind worries that I might get hurt yet again.

And I will.

And once again, the first step is acknowledging you will. Because just as you can't please everyone, you are going to be the person who disappoints others. If it is scary to grow closer to people we forget how God designed us to be. He designed us to be in relationship, just as he is with his Son and his Spirit.

One of the greatest disappointments experienced ever was felt by God the Son and God the Father as the Son died on the cross, bore the penalty of sin and faced the wrath of the Father.

I realize that Jesus had a very focused ministry. He drew people closer to himself and he paid for their sin at Calvary. He was a busy man, but he found those periods of rest. He knew exactly when to make time for others, and when to live in solitude. And even in his perfection, he disappointed people amid his ministry. He disappointed the people who believed he was coming to save them from the Romans. He disappointed Mary and Martha when they lost Lazarus. Jesus himself was disappointed when his disciples rejected him on the night he was betrayed, or when they fell asleep as he prayed in Gethsemane, or when they couldn't understand the meaning behind what he spoke.

Maybe I could just not be disappointed if I didn't have a closed circle of friends just as Jesus had the twelve disciples? Maybe I could be busy with a lot of people, so I don't have to grow deeper?

It's all really just a defense mechanism against one of the hardest things sin brought into this world. Busyness can help distract me, and keep me safe.

In conclusion...

Amid some struggle, I think busyness is just the ability to distract, to please and protect. People cannot hurt me, emotions cannot hurt me, and maybe I won't hurt people if I am simply busy. It's a great tool of distracted, that may not be growing me as a person.

But yesterday, on Easter Sunday, my church focused on Luke 24 that talks about Jesus' words to the disciples "Peace be with you!". Our pastor pointed out that Jesus sought to bring them peace even when they rejected him and hated him and despised him. He wanted to redeem them from sin. And he seeks to work in me to help me prioritize, to do a few things well, rather than everything. I am not self-sufficient. But with a God who brings peace in my life, I know he will grow me, even when I slow down and am faithful to him.

Perhaps being crazy busy is just my restlessness to climb, when I should take the step down. It will feel more like a leap of faith, but it always is in a life held and sustained by the hands that made the universe. And he promises to not let go.