What's done is done

A typical sunset at Columbia International University

It's no use stressing over that which have never had any control. It is no use fretting over the things which your hand cannot hold, your mouth cannot speak, your mind cannot control. For the longest time, this has been what my motto should have been. It is not particularly biblical, although there is something to say about being anxious and fearful. Ultimately, everything in my life over which I have no control, I must give to a creator whose control exceeds mine. In fact, my control is at negative infinity.

My mid-term exams are officially complete! Just this morning I was able to close the lid of my laptop and breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you God! I have thoroughly enjoyed studying and learning more, being a student has been one of my favorite professions. But all of these things come with their concerns. Have I done enough? Will I ever do enough? Can I truly trust God with the results. It is a constant battle in my mind. I worry about being too vulnerable in this blog, too open. But fortunately, I see this as an opportunity to explore, to teach and to explain. Hopefully, we might see a more beautiful picture of God's grace in my life.

My past life and My life now

Last year was the craziest year of my short life on this earth, no doubt, many people have experienced worse. However there are many things I will admit that did me a lot of damage: I was in my own head a lot of the time; I was constantly thinking about the hours I was spending on school (or the lack of hours I felt I was not working enough); I was not always there for my family; I was irritable, tired, disgusting and disgusted; and, worse still, I made little time for God.

There were priorities in my life: youth group and church. But I tear up as I think what little heart I had in doing them. I knew that God was my God, I was comforted in the knowledge of that. But I felt there was little engagement, little faith in practice. I did not feel in love with my creator. That is what scares me.

There was no doubt I was in a struggle-town phase of my life. Besides my spiritual life, Iost a very dear friend of mine to suicide. It is very hard for me to be open about that. It came out of the blue. And to a girl who felt she knew everyone and had lost no one, I wondered why. Why out of all people was it my friend? I had never encountered death so personal to me.

Honestly, one of the fears I have hardly admitted about moving is spreading my love of people of so great a distance that one day, I wake up and I have received a text that a loved one back in Australia is gone. And I can do nothing about it. It is irrational, and yet it is such a concern.

My life right now is full of stresses I never imagined I would have. The stress of feeling I am not doing enough, the stress of feeling I am doing too much. The stress in relationships, whether it be with family, or with friends, or "more than friends". The stress of playing major roles in things I have never participated in. The stress of not connecting. The stress of being foreign in country you've called home. The stress that friends back home won't miss, the stress when they call you crying saying they do miss you. The stress that you honestly haven't made an impact back home, and that you might not here.

And I'm opening my heart way too much, so I shut it right now. But perhaps I am just processing what I feel I might never fully process when I haven't yet cried on someone shoulders, except the virtual shoulders of my parents back home who can do nothing for me.

Last year was a crazy year. 2020 has not proven much different.

My past life vs. My life now

But how about that move I have made? How about that transition? Mid terms went well. God brought me smoothly - though it felt rough sometimes - to a place where I dreamed of living. I have been able to make new friends, find so many awesome people and have a meal with them. Certainly, upon reflection, this semester has been weird. Admittedly, some expectations have met disappointment. But over the years, as a person who, to her core, hates changes, I have learned to accept change and allow disappointment. I hate disappointment. I hate to be the disappointment, but I have learned that it will come.

And honestly, amongst the stress of this year, I have found myself relying more and more on God. I have picked up some bad habits along the way. But there have been some really good ones developing. Increasingly, I have seen my desire be for God alone. I have seen distractions come, and minimize (because we all know they never truly disappear). I have seen hardships arise, and their blow soften (because we all know they still hurt). But when I meet trials on every side, I know the outcome is secure - as my church's song reminded me today.

Whether or not this is biblical, I think God knows the intensity we need to truly see him in everything. I mean, surely I can see him in the mess and the beauty. But I need a wake-up call. And when I finally wake-up, God allows me to just be at peace. Honestly though, I feel a bit like a testing center. Full throttle struggle: leaving friends and family as I sobbed in the airport. Diminished struggle: making new friends, forging new relationships that do not seem to satisfy as much yet, but you know they will grow. Full throttle struggle: Not getting enough sleep. Diminished struggle: still not getting enough sleep, but having so much more time to form relationships. Full throttle struggle: Being foreign. Diminished struggle: people actually recognizing you, seeing you for who you are.

Life seems a compilation of these various struggles. But notice how God reduces the intensity. And when he reduces it, perhaps God is seeing more of Christ in it. Perhaps he is seeing Christ and steadying the lever, putting our lives like a plane on a plateau and taking us for the ride.

Conclusion

Maybe, this weekend has been a bit more of a ride. Perhaps he has allowed me to count my blessings. Perhaps I have been able to relax. Perhaps God is building wisdom and peace in me.

Perhaps God has seen 2019 Aynsley and said "Not good enough" and allowed new stresses to mold 2020 Aynsley - who feels a lot healthier mentally, and relationally.

As my church would once again sing "Praise God from whom all blessings flow".