Unrested love.

One day, I'm going to proceed to do something that God clearly wants me to do...

...at least, that's what I'm praying for.

I'm praying for clarity, that God will direct me in the paths that He is calling me to. That He will prepare me now for what he will have me do then and that I will not forsake His calling presently. I am praying I will not neglect to do what He has for me to do, to remain faithful to those things that are of Him, and to dispose of those things that are not.

In truth, I am scared to dispose of anything at this current stage of life, because I am reckless with pride, riddled with arrogance, founded on an inflated ego that thinks I could be everything I want to be. To be everything I expect of myself, or what I believe people now expect of me.

I wonder if you have felt that pressure too?

In truth, I was stressed last night, realizing all that I was needing to do this semester. I made a list of everything on my mind and all that I was doing. A million things and I realized something - none of them were "Be a disciple of Jesus". It wasn't about sitting in the Father's presence and learning from Him, resting in Him, desiring Him alone. All of them could be summarized in these two ways: 1) distract yourself from loneliness 2) Make sure people think you're great.

One day, I'm going to do something that God clearly wants me to do...

...and that is what I am praying for.

I keep teaching my Bible Study students that their faith is active, that they can take responsibility for what God is calling them towards now, that they can start sharing their beliefs, having conversations, meaningfully delving into God's word with each other. And most every week, I step away with the reminder that I am a hypocrite. I could keep counting the number of times I laid down that simple responsibility and pursued what I wanted.

One of our professors on campus and the Dean of Student Life, Dr. Andre Rogers, talked about walking with the Spirit with his reference being Galatians 5:

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." (Galatians 5:16)

And I thought to myself, how much of what I am doing is simply gratifying my own desires, placing God into the picture as suits me? Am I seeking His kingdom come, His will be done in my life? We talk about "desires of the flesh" being some fairly obvious sins. But I can see how leading a Bible Study, or a Theater club, or Community Group could all be wrapped up in idolatry. And to be doing multiple of those things could simply be pride. Both of these are sin - and I claim them to be for Christ.

Ultimately, we know that are intentions are always impure, rarely taken captive unto Christ, even as Christians. Prior to the flood, Genesis 6 says

"The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually." (Genesis 6:5)

Romans 1 talks about a clear unrighteousness in thoughts and desires. Romans 3 references Psalm 14 which writes:

"The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. All have turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one." (Psalm 14:2-3)

So there is a God who sees that our hearts are completely imperfect. Proverbs 16 writes:

"All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit." (Proverbs 16:2)

And God's word can make it ever more clear to us that our intentions are completely corrupted. In Hebrews 4, it is written:

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

I can't help thinking that God saw my list last night and shook His head. Or maybe He rested His hand on my shaking body as I mourned that every intention of my heart is corrupted. Perhaps He saw that list and called me towards rest.

It's more than stress to me, its weariness of pride. It's knowing that I am wholly sinful, and continue in my sinful ways. It's knowing I have repented before, and I keep repenting now and just simply being weary of accepted grace over again. It's having a life stressful, not because of stuff, but because I stuff God in the gaps of my luggage, my burden, and I claim He is within them. He's not, He's just there when it seems most appropriate, useful, or for nights when I cry out to Him for fear I didn't leave enough space for Him this time 'round.

It's an unrested love that has me stressed.

And once you've listed off commitments, you realize it's not a to-do list anymore, it's your life. So you might just be living in it for a while yet. You realize that what you believe a contribution to sin in your heart is your livelihood for the next few months.

It has indicated to me, that there are things to give up, to shed, if at all possible. It's a process of seeking out what God has in store for me, rather than what I have in store for God.

So I wrote a poem about it...

Unrested Love

Who can I love apart from God,

The guide of every path I trod?

Come down to earth

And within us dwells

After granting us sustained rebirth.

Who might I seek apart from Him,

the Savior of my condemning sin?

The man who sees my wretched heart,

Who tore the veil of my shame

To grant redemption and new start.

Where could I go without a King

That reigns, my soul to ever sing

His praises? It raises high its anthem,

Course notes purified to melodies,

Dwelling with harmony in tandem.

It seems befitting for my offering

To claim the betrothal ring

Of Christ, my King,

Though it is He who hands it to me.

I accept, while I see

The scars on His hands, they sting.

He winces for His human hands.

I wonder how He ever stands,

For they echo along his arched feet.

I wonder if He should take a seat

For pale and sickly, He would meet

The ground in unseeming surrender.

Undesirable to me, for I know

The power of temptation grows.

Who can I love apart from the Son,

It seems like almost everyone.

But it is not surrender, that He bows.

It is purely love that He arouse

Within Himself, scars that blow

Blow away the condemnation of a judge,

The scales of justice, for the touch

Of hands that embrace.

I shudder,

For the rudder of my life

Sought the power of my strife.

It sought to see me rife

With pain

And shame

To gain

Nothing, but the game

Of playing hide and seek:

Hide from God,

Seek to be weak.

It was at that peak

The mountain of all m wrong

That I sought the strong

Hand of embrace

To chase the girl

With golden hair

Blue eyes, pale complexion

Caught unaware

In self-loathing,

Betrothing her to a

Benevolent God:

The Guide of every path I trod,

The Savior of my condemning sin,

The Scarred Redeemer who will always win.

For the one He loves is His bride.

Who, or what, or why, or how

Could I love apart from Christ?