It's okay to be alone.

Our culture cannot stand to be alone. The top fear in our world is death, the second is said to be public speaking. But I would say, it is being alone with our thoughts. More and more we have become all to distant from our own minds and yet all to familiar with our own selves. In an attempt to distract ourselves from what is most important, we plug into our culture even more.

One of my greatest fears is being alone.

But you wouldn't know it. Mainly because I never am alone. And when I am alone, I am always on the go, having something to do, something to achieve.

It just all feels so messed up, doesn't it?

The Biblical basis for community.

Right from the beginning of the world, we were meant to be in community. Adam was created to be in community. He was never meant to be alone on this earth. Genesis 2 says

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”"

Even Adam, fulfilled in the Father, needed a helper. He needed someone who would walk alongside him and be his companion. And when the fall happened and sin corrupted the world that we now live in, we still see this need for companionship. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 sets a precedent for such companionship:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

How beautiful a picture of the restoration that can occur when we are able to work hard alongside other believers? How much glory this toiling alongside believers can give to God! How much beauty in accountability as we sharpen other believers in the Lord. Just as Proverbs 27:17 says

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another"

The Biblical basis for being alone.

The fact remains that Jesus had a mission, he was always working towards that day when he would die on the cross, bearing the sin of humanity. His goal was to raise from the dead, defeating sin and saving those whom he loved from eternal separation from God.

He was the author of relationship, not only creating us to be in relationship with each other, but with the Father. There was no better picture of such a relationship. John 16:32-33 says.

"Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Jesus - so secure in his relationship with the Father - knows that he is not alone. He knows there will be friends who will reject him along the way, who will betray him. But he has overcome that sort of world. The world that rejects us in our hour of need, and often because we are children of God and made in his image.

However, Jesus' time alone, in isolation, was not always a desolate place for Jesus. It was not his hideaway from his responsibilities, nor his failures to do His Father's will. It was a necessity. His relationship with the Father showed the Jesus was always in relationship, even when he was seemingly alone. Luke 5:16 says,

"But he [that is, Jesus] would withdraw to desolate places and pray."

But it seems fairly clear that Jesus is alone. I suppose the question becomes "Are we truly alone when we leave people?" I think the author of Psalm 139:7-12 would decline,

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."

God's presence is always with us. The key to Luke 5:16 is the fact that Jesus went off to "pray". One of our problems with our culture is that in our time alone, we plug into a source of intimacy with things other than that which will truly satisfy. And these thing never satisfy because they are not God, they are not true, perfect and whole relationship.

That is not to say that we show perfect love to our Father, but in his mercy, he shows such love to us. Which means that even if I were to never be alone and I was with people all the time, I still would never feel fully at peace. I would likely feel such angst that my anxiety would rage and the thoughts of my heart would wage war. I may never find the shalom I would need.

But that sort of peace only comes in the Father's presence. Never in being with people who never mention God, who can only ever satisfy to a certain extent. Never in being alone with my thoughts, when my thoughts are not taken captive to Christ. The fact of the matter remains, I will always feel alone, when I am not contented in the one who fills me up till my cup overflows. It is in the blessing of his presence that I can truly rest. Psalm 23:4 clearly says,

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

What has this struggle looked like in my life?

Honestly, people have seen it most clearly in my busyness. I find it hard to sit quietly and rest in God's presence. And there is an aspect where this can bear laziness. But I often feel judged - or my own worst critic - for taking a break. I would love to go and watch the sunset on a normal school day, or chat to someone for an hour in the student center at school or read out in the woods. I would love to feel like I could do that on a normal day. There are responsibilities to be upheld, which I know I will never neglect out of laziness (because that is not my character) but I never feel I can escape for a while to be with my Father.

However, there is another side to the struggle, where I find myself struggling to be alone - in a healthy way. That is my singleness.

And as soon as I mention that, all eyes wish to turn away or cringe at yet another Christian girl mentioning the "s" word. Frankly, the sad thing is, it gets a bad rap.

For a situation of life that Paul elevates to a higher position, we have certainly lost the beauty and blessing of what singleness is and instead encouraged and fostered discontent amongst single men and women in the church. Going to a school formerly colloquially known as "Columbia Bridal College" has certainly enabled that. Video calling with my family of three married couples and a "unsuccessful" single girl can be hard.

Where have I gone wrong?

To be fair, my family has never intentionally pushed me towards finding a boyfriend, getting married and the like (other than in joking terms). To be fair, singleness has never been looked down upon formally in any church setting I was ever in. To be fair, one family member (who will go unnamed) has always called the Christian guys around me "wimps" for not asking me out, to which I have rolled my eyes.

To be fair, I think my main issue has largely been in my friendships with people.

Arriving on a college campus and immediately becoming plugged in and involved can create an environment more lonely than when you left everyone behind 11,000 miles away. Because busyness fosters loneliness. It always seems to distract us from The Person who can make the most difference in our lives.

And I am sad that I do not feel like I am making a difference in my friendships with people. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever leave college having felt like it all would have been worth it. But time goes by, and I am doing all that I love to do and yet there is this tension within me: I just feel so alone.

But the really sad thing is, I think its because I need to spend more time with the Father.

Well, maybe its not such a sad thing, maybe I can be excited about it!

So, what could the solution look like (for me and for you)?

One quote I pulled literally today from a book I am reading for my apologetics class (Cultural Apologetics by Paul Gould) literally discusses the idea of unity with God. Gould quotes Leonard Hodgson - author of The Doctrine of the Trinity - and says,

"But perfect unity itself is to be found only in God, and it is through the revelation of God in Christ that we find the unity of God to be such a kind as to cast a light upon all lesser unities" (pg.150)

Gould himself goes on to say that,

"Man can only attain wholeness when God, the perfect triunity, heals us...By looking to Jesus as our greatest joy, hope, love, and happiness....we experience wholeness [and] a watching world will take note, as they seek a cup of living water for their restless souls" (pg.150)

There is a solution to us feeling alone, to not feeling fulfilled and whole, and that is God. We will only experience true joy if our total life is Christ himself. If you too are feeling this struggle, the answer it pretty clear: plug into the right source and spend time with the Father. Honestly, feeling alone is perhaps one of the worst feelings in world and I have felt it. But there is no one who cares for you more, who will satisfy your longing heart greatly, who will encourage and uplift you.

It also means sacrifice. It means sacrificing the times your sinful heart desires to be apart from the Lord. This might look like being surrounded by people constantly, or by being alone doing worthless things or scrolling through your phone mindlessly. It might even be sacrificing the times with theological books or doing Christian artwork. These may be good things, but we must assess whether they are actually building our relationship with the Father.

I have spent many times away from people and I have done things which I believe have helped me in my faith. This might include personal study, or prayer journaling, or writing the Proverbs devotional (subtle plug :) ), But the hard thing to assess is my heart attitude and posture. I could self-obsess over that until the cows come home, but the point remains, being involved in the Christian disciplines is amazing and worthwhile, but my dependency is on the Spirit to draw me into closer relationship with the Lord.

In terms of singleness, I am often too busy to worry about it too much. But sometimes, I will have random spurts of sadness over being single. Sometimes seeing people in relationships can bring up feelings of discontent. I often question whether I am worthwhile, whether I am worthy of value and love from someone else. At many points in my short life, I have come to the conclusion and realization that the Lord might be preparing me for a life of singleness, which can make me sad and ache for something I may never have. And yet, as my Dad will sometimes tell me "I don't know if you have the gift of singleness", to which I will laugh in my tears.

But my struggle with some of those longings has pointed me to this reminder constantly: no significant other will ever complete your identity or fulfill you completely, the Lord is the only one who can do that.

My goal in life is to glorify God, so is yours. Its okay to be alone, if the Lord has willed for it to happen. If it is the Lord's will being done, he will empower me in my discontent to reach out to others in the same situation. He will help me look to serve my brothers and sisters in Christ who are in need.

More so than that, he will help me be content to be in relationship with the Father. How special to know that whether in relationship or single, I can have a whole and full and fulfilling relationship with my God.

And how much greater to know that alone is not a word to be defined in our eternal resting place. We will never be alone in that realm where we will be rested in the presence of God.