An explosion of control

Do you ever wonder how much control you have ever had?

It's like this musical "Tick, Tick, Boom!" - honestly, for a controlling guy like Jonathan Larson, did he really have any semblance of control ever? He describes the ticking getting louder and louder until finally things clicked, things boomed. He was finally onto something. And then he lost his girl, he lost his friend, he even lost his musical.

For controlling girl like me, it looks like a nightmare. And yet every semblance of control I believe I have falls to pieces as I even try and wrap my arms around it and clench it with my fingers. Holding it tighter means I will only ever loosen my grip.

It's like everything about the way we think is polar opposite to how God designed it.

It's like everything seems to be "tick...tick...tick" and we think we are okay. And "tick...tick...tick" and nothing will change, or depart from our plans, our purposes, our vision.

But let's play "duck, duck, goose" here for a second (I suspect you know where I am going with this). Has God ever thrown you a curveball? That's what I thought. Did God ever allow suffering in your life? Seems that way, doesn't it? Do you seem to find the "goose" you when you least expect it? Does it chase you around in circles and the monotony of your life is only ever this chase around the circle, when you wished it was the "duck-ing"?

Strange metaphor, isn't it? But don't you wish you were sitting around while everything goes according to your plan, rather than being chased around by sufferings and curveballs and dead friends and relatives, and unexpected changes, undesired mistakes, and mishaps and failings?

Okay, so now you're not playing "duck, duck, goose" but "tick, tick, BOOM!", because honestly, your life is much more different than child's play. And those aren't chasey sessions, those are real explosions. And they only ever make you think "Why that God?"

Why that God?

Well, as one of my Bible Profs would say, "God is not in a hurry. He grows things." Yeah, what does that mean?

Recently, I was driving down with my best friend to Greenville, to her family home. We chatted and I bring up something I have been learning recently: God has been saying "no" for a long time to one of my deepest desires. And honestly, I haven't really acknowledged it. "Tick...tick...tick".

But I counted all my blessings into her kind, gracious, listening ears and humbly admitted that I have so much to be grateful for. I have pursued many things and God has opened the doors to so many things and just as soon as I pursue this one thing, God seems to shut the door. He is, of course, not mean about it. I guess He was always warning me to just turn away and follow Him.

Needless to say, this desire of mine is completely out of my control, completely in the Lord's hands. "Tick, tick, BOOM!"

I have another friend who, in this past semester, has shown me how their plan for their life has been entirely flipped around by the Lord. Every plan they made seems to have been flipped on its head and yet God still provides. "Tick, tick, BOOM!"

One close friend has just accepted a leadership position they never thought they would take in a million years, abandoning what they thought, believing it to be the right place to serve. "Tick, tick, BOOM!".

Need I go on with the two years I have spent away from home where I have seen change virtually and have not felt it for myself? The drastic effect of moving away, the cultural shift around me, the character shift within me, all have brought this change like a boom.

I don't know everything.

Kind of crazy, isn't it? In the year that I called for myself to be beautiful, the Lord has often turned me towards a mirror and shown me I am a broken image. Sometimes, this happens when the Lord changes my plans for my life. It seems quite a nuisance, doesn't it?

But I wonder what life might have been life if He had left me with my plans? Honestly, I think Romans explains it all to clearly:

"Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen." (Romans 1:24-25)

If God had let me do what I want, I would not be doing anything good for my wellbeing. In fact, if the source of goodness comes from God alone, anything God allowed me to do outside His will would be terrible!

While in some ways, God's let us live according to our desires (all of which determine to reject Him), He also longs for us to follow Him. Psalms speaks so clearly:

"So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts, to follow their own counsels. Oh, that my people would listen to me, that Israel would walk in my ways!" (Psalm 81:12-13)

God's ways are good. They are not the monotonous ticking of our mundane world. Somehow our world corrupts the sound. It sounds less like a clock, for nothing in about a world without God works like clockwork. That's why everything implodes in front of us. Something about a world trying to work without God doesn't work?

At least in my head, I am glad the Lord changes my plans. In my heart, I know I would love everything to happen my way. But I have a higher calling, according to 1 Peter 4:

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." (1 Peter 4:1-2)

Having seen Christ's suffering, having been sanctified by my own, I am called to live not according to the flesh but for the will of God. Having been changed by Christ, having prayerfully changed my steps to suit those of a Christ-follower, I know my desires should not be for sinful things. One of the most misquoted verses in the Bible comes from Psalm 37, but its still a worthwhile psalm. It says this:

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." (Psalm 37:3-5)

One important distinguishing factor in these verses is that we are to be abiding in the Lord by trusting and delighting in and committing our way to the Lord. At these times, God will do what is right and good and proper for us. And in delighting in the Lord, we are changed to seek after His desires. We won't want evil, we will want God's plan to come to fruition.

Conclusion

I am all-too-often scared of the "tick, tick, BOOM" of the plans for my life, or the desires I have. But I have a higher calling. I am called to seek after the desires of the Lord. I need not fret or stress when my plan does not come about, because the Lord knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and whether or not I need it at all. I, however, have no understanding about such matters.

Who am I kidding? Each and every day, I live as if nobody is in control, but me. I have this expectation that I must achieve this, do that, talk to this person, pursue my interests, meet my goals, determine my future. And God doesn't want me to do that.

But if I am following His will of desire - as my pastor preached on just a couple of weeks ago - and listened to His word, if I abided in Him and dwelt upon His goodness, maybe I wouldn't sweat the small stuff.

And maybe, so many plans would just tick like clockwork, because they are His, and I am merely relying on Him to let His will come to pass.

Yet not my will, but yours, O Lord.