Cross-eyed

Cross-Eyed

I weep when the battle tends to creep

Upon me, when victory against distance

Is not cheap.

I mourn for the thorn

In my side: inside, and outside

To long for There rather than to abide.

Chide me always, for I complain.

The stain in my garment

Is ink marking "Discontentment":

My unfulfilling gain in ungratefulness.

These tears and fears of never seeing them

Seems to stem from a lack of trust:

I must shed them,

Hem this cloth of complaint

To hide this sin of weary saint.

And yet I am cross -

Cross my heart, hope to die -

The kind of cross that shows your anger,

That causes you to see unnaturally,

That - cartoonish - signifies your death.

But never the cross in darkness

On Sabbath.

For what greater supernatural wonder

Could place the cross in hearts and minds and eyes,

Emphasize where final perspective

Proves prospective gain

With the stain on your chest

For all your ungratefulness.

Distance is not cheap, but neither was grace

And I can see that in His face:

Cross-eyed always in His grace.

Introduction

I remember being scared to ever cross my eyes after a friend had to get correction surgery for holding her eyes in that position too long. I remember being scared to bite my nails because my friend said her grandmother had to have surgery to have nails removed from her stomach. Or maybe that was from swallowing gum.

I remember being afraid to bend my ankles while standing up because a PE teacher told me I wouldn't be able to run anymore or being worried about the arches in my feet being too flat because I was told I had "massive hobbit feet". I remember being complimented on my posture, then being afraid for it to change or being ashamed about stretch marks even though it was from growing so much.

Actually, now that I think about it, I worried excessively about futile things. I'm not too ashamed to display their ridiculousness: count it as a gift of laughter to you this Christmas season.

The truth of the matter is, we worry - perhaps at various degrees of idiocy or immaturity - but some become mile-markers in our lives. I can remember the times I had worries or stresses or even sins that God has since redeemed, and I have never worried about since. But the question in each moment becomes this:

Will God ever take me out of this?

Perhaps the answer lies in this: perspective.

John 17 - a great dose of perspective

Have you ever seen a man more marked by love than Jesus Christ?

"I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them and I in them." (John 17:26)

John 17 is one of those passages that has forever changed me. Here we see a man so in love with His Father, that He is willing to serve those who are weak whom the Father has called His own. Jesus makes each of these children His mission. And in response, these children have responded in faith.

"For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and the believe that you sent me." (John 17:8)

And His love does not just end at His words - His teaching - He also intercedes for us. He prays:

"I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours...I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one...Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth." (John 17:9,15,17)

Jesus prays for His children, not even for those who are lost. Jesus, having been given these children of God by God himself, knows those who are saved. He prays that God might keep them on the straight and narrow. He asks that they be sanctified and consecrated for their own mission in this world, the one that He has sent them on (vs.18-19)

This great prayer of intercession is also for "those who will believe in me" (vs.20). Jesus' prayer seeks to find unity among believers, one that imitates His union with God. But He also seeks to for them to glorify God as they were made to do. Believers, being restored through Christ, are mere deflectors of the glory of God.

"All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them" (John 17:10)

And they bear witness to the beautiful, majestic and perfect union of the Father and the Son: something worth witnessing about:

"The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and love them even as you love me." (John 17:22-23)

How perfectly brilliant! To understand the love of the Lord and never even fully comprehend it.

And yet, this is the reason for the season, isn't it? This love of God, this great powerful figure whom we serve loves His children. "Yours" (vs.6) has a nice ring to it, as the angels rejoice over broken sinners who repent and turn to the Lord (Luke 15:10). "Yours" has a nice ring to it, when "Joy to the World" seems an antiquated tune, or when joy does not ring true in your life.

Jesus came to be "good news of great joy that will be for all the people" (Luke 2:10). And as He leaves to be with His Father soon, He says,

"But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves." (John 17:13)

And this joy harkens back to what Jesus has brought us in His coming to earth and in the completion of His mission: "eternal life" (vs.3).

John 19 - A beautiful summary

One of the passages that makes me weep every time I read it is Jesus' interaction with John when He had been crucified:

"...but standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, 'Woman, behold, your son!" Then he said to the disciple, "Behold, your mother!" And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home." (John 19:25-27)

Jesus not only professed John worthy to care for His mother - a common cultural practice in those days - but in the physical, emotional and spiritual torment and suffering of Christ, He thinks "How can I care for those in front of me?". It is beautiful to me that He does so with His own mother. So great was His commitment to His ministry that He ministers to those around Him: those mourning for Him, prayer for those soldiers ransoming garments, conversations with the thieves on the crosses neighboring His.

Consider how intentional Jesus was with His time, even in His agonizing last moments before His death. He knew He would rise again, He knew this wasn't the end, so He knew that every moment could count, should count. Each moment, yet another display of love to the people who - in their hearts - despised Him.

Jesus' ministry here on earth could be greatly summarized simply by His death and resurrection - His ultimate display of love. That is why He came, that is why He ministered, that is why He died, rose again and ascended into heaven - to love those whom the Father had given to Him.

We need to be more cross-eyed.

These past couple of years have been years of struggle for many. Christmas season must be hard for many of you - those who have lost loved ones, those who have succumbed to loneliness or depression, or those - like me - who can't see family or old friends.

But my problem - as I tearfully explained to my roommate in contrition - is that I have "flipped-off" God for far too long feeling homesick, not grateful enough for His provisions for me every day. I have been cross for too long, angry with my Lord for giving me something I have always prayed for.

These stained garments of ungratefulness are not even ones the soldiers would seek to ransom. They are ugly, they are dirty.

But passages like John 17 or 19 give me a heavy dose of insight into the love of the Savior who has called me "His". As one of my favorite songs by Secret Nation says, "I am yours, and you are mine".

This season, I choose joy, not because I can on my own, but because Jesus has won that for me in His victory, because He has sought it in His intercession on my behalf. This season, I can choose joy because Jesus has granted that much in my life.

Alongside joy, I ask the Father to make me "cross-eyed" - always seeking to imitate the ministry of the Father and the Son, always seeking to serve and love others well. Always seeking to know God better.

Throwing off the ungrateful garments.

And with these tears of mine, do as George Herbert writes,

"And with his buriall-linen drie thine eyes;/ Christ left his grave-clothes, that we might, when grief/ Draw tears, or bloud, not want an handkerchief" (George Herbert, The Dawning)

Merry Christmas to all!