A great ray of sun

I cannot deny the presence of God on this earth.

I cannot deny his presence in the heavens above, or the waters beneath.

Or in the dimension of Heaven that I cannot comprehend.

Nor can I ever be worthy of his wondrous light. Or the glory that has carried me through, that has welcomed me home, before I can even find my way home. I cannot own such an unravelling, where my humanity shreds to pieces before a perfect, and limitless God.

Because even my broken pieces continue to decompose in such splendour.

Because even the shards of glass - formed from mere sand, that when whole reflected the image of Yahweh - are breaking back into their sandy origins. They are falling back to dust.

I am nothing before my God. But I am everything in Christ.

My words will likely spark a question in your mind: Why so dramatic?

My struggle...

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever had moments in your life, where you never thought joy could ever feel more complete? Have you ever spent a lifetime thinking that God doesn't want joy for his people on this earth, and then he totally proves you wrong?

God brings his people through hardship, out of love. And when he blesses us on earth, when we are filled with joy, I believe he is doing so out of love.

When for more than a month, I did not know if I would be able to leave Australia, to move to the USA for Bible College, to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine, God still loved me. There were nights where I would just cry from stress, from anxiety, from fear. But one fact remained that I had to accept: God still loved me, no matter what the outcome was. And if his perfect plan includes my salvation, then everything he did regarding me, is out of love and discipline, because ultimately, he was shaping me to become more like Christ.

In Romans 5:1-8, Paul writes this:

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:1-8)

Verses 3-4 are incredibly applicable to my situation. My suffering, my trial, my hardship was producing endurance, and character and hope. Let me clarify as well that I know this was not incredibly hard suffering. But it was testing my faith in God, and my belief in his omniscience, his infinity, his eternity, his immutability.

You see, during my time of waiting I was (and still am) reading Jen Wilkin's None Like Him, a very well-written, well explained book concerned with the qualities of God that no human can ever reflect. We cannot be self-existent, or self-sufficient, or omnipotent. We reflect the image of God in many ways, but there are certain qualities we will never hold.

The book has been of real encouragement, real joy and real peace in my period of waiting. It allowed me to reflect on my current situation, and determine to hold onto God's will for my life. But that determination was easier said than done. Upon reflection, if God had not opened the doors to continue with my plans, I would have been devastated. I would likely have felt darkness rather than the light of my hope. I would have been thoroughly disappointed, even though in Romans 5, it shows that such hardship would have given me hope.

If God had not achieved my plans, I would have questioned God's love and goodness in my life.

But the problem is, whether or not I like God's will, or God's perfect plan, that is what is good. God, as well as being love, is also incomprehensible. I will never understand everything he does, but I can know this for certain, his children are disciplined in ways that will sanctify us.

In his plan, he sent his son to the cross, because he loved the people he would save. This is God's perfect example of love displayed, right in a place where all our hatred was exerted on the perfect son of God. As he took the sin of the ungodly, God places his anger upon Jesus, and he no longer sees our sin, but Christ's righteousness. Not only was his love on display on that cross, his love continues for me, his elect daughter of God. And everything he does in my life is a display of his loving discipline in order that I might further transform to the image of God.

So in my hardship, whether big or whether small, I find myself feasting on the revelation of God in his word, and resting in him, no matter how uncontrollable the circumstance. Because I know that there is nothing that can separate me from God's love in Christ Jesus my Lord.

But the story didn't end there...

My praise at the beginning of this article would have been more marvellous had God closed the doors to the USA. Perhaps my trials might have seemed more onerous, my hardship more troublesome. Perhaps more tears would have flowed, sighs would have persisted, or stress prolonged.

During my struggle, I read this in Wilkin's book: "The antidote for anxiety is to remember and confess that we can trust the future to God."

And I did. And I hope and pray that I would have continued to do so, had not the doors been open for me.

But a ray of sun was beginning to shine brightly on my dark, tired eyes.

God opened the doors this day 13th of July 2020. In the midst of racial struggles, deadly pandemics, uncertainty for pro-lifers, political antagonisation, loss of free speech, and continued violence, God helped me feel a joy, a relief, a release from burden that felt almost too heavy for me.

When I found out, I ran out to my parents, laptop in hand, email from immigration saying I was authorised to leave. In that moment, the clench from my stomach went away. When I thought about travel, I saw only sun. There were not obstacles shadowing what joy I longed to feel. I bounced up and down, literally, in juvenile glee. I was so happy. My parents and I teared up and praised God for his incredible love which he showed me.

And praised him for the love he had always shown me.

Whether it is hard to see it or not, believers need to believe that God's grace and good gifts are in their lives in ways they may not expect or desire.

I asked my Mom today, "I wonder why God allowed it to happen the way it did. I wonder why God chose this timing. Why later rather than sooner?"

I don't think I will ever fully know his purposes. God is incomprehensible. But one thing I know, it is for his glory. If God is praised in either situation, then I am doing what I was designed to do, programmed to do: praise the living, almighty and awesome God.

In joy, I look in joy and great anticipation for what God has in store for me. I know I will excel if I praise God in all of my future ambitions and deeds.

But with greater joy, I see the empty grave. I see the veiled glory of God. I see Christ's perfection, as a fitted cloak for my weary body. And while I don't see clearly now, as in the transfiguration of Jesus in Mark 9, I know with great joy that one day I will be enamored with the perfect glorious God of the universe with whom I will sing praises to.

Wilkin says this in her book:

"We must be neither surprised or discouraged to find that we, who are of yesterday and know nothing, are at a loss to comprehend the timing of the one who transcends, yesterday today and tomorrow."

My life will be filled of joys, and disappointments. So will yours. We do not fully understand God's great timing. But we know for a fact that it is great. Because our God is beyond all measure. He existed always and forever. He knows. He does. And he always will.

My joy this day has felt so beautiful. I have been exceedingly overjoyed with God's love displayed in his good gifts. But I am more overwhelming, emotionally and spiritually full to the brim with happiness, because my God rescued me from that which separated me from him.

Whether or not my separation from America was indefinite, or whether or not God does shut the doors in other ways, I know that my separation from God was more miserable, more wretched, more treacherous.

So please, turn to God in faith. You will have moments of great joy, and moments of great disappointment and hardship. But when you face this hope, this eternity in the glory of God, singing praise to your Heavenly Father, you can be certain there will be nothing but joy.

You can be certain, that more glorious than the sun, will the glory of the father be as he makes your joy complete.